WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not     walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the     time to do it.

4. It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

5. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

8. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

12. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

13. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

15. If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.

16. Too often, we lose sight of life’s simple pleasures...Remember, when someone annoys you, It         takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and          smack that jerk upside the head.

17. The things that come to those who wait are what’s left behind by those who got there first.

18. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

19. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

20. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and         drink beer all day.

21. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

22. Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

23. If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

24. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

25. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

26. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

27. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

28. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

29. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

30. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

31. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

32. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

33. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

34. Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

35. Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.

36. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

37. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

38. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

39. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

40. Never ask a man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for that matter!)

41. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

42. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

43. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

44. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

45. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
     That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

46. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

47. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

48. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

49. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

50. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

51. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

52. The floggings will continue until morale improves.

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