The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little
pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving
Emily.
Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the peartree as I write.
Im so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily.
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three
French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? Its a pity we have no
chicken coops, but I expect well find some. Anyway, thank you
so much; theyre lovely.
Your devoted Emily.
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if
they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect
theyll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway,
Im very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.
Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and
all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do
take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a
terrible row, and Im afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she
wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor.
This time shes only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the
rings.
Bless you,
Emily.
Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly
wasnt six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather
hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and theyve
already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but lets call a halt, shall
we?
Love,
Emily.
Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans,
all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. Id rather not think whats
happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of
what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily.
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this
some kind of a joke? If so, Im afraid I dont find it very amusing.
Emily.
Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say youre sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can
say is, judging from the way they dance, theyre certainly not ladies. The village
just isnt accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with
nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and its Mother and I who
get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this
ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used
to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of
them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile
the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something
between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit
for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this
last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the
bewildered. I hope youre satisfied.
Jan. 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her
premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony
Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an
injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return
of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law.
Return to Title (Front)
Page or to select a different category of humor
Click here
to read more jokes in this category
To e-mail me or send
your jokes
harry@gluckman.com