REDNECK ETIQUETTE
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live
alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to
"bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always
hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not
allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let
her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that
stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 p.m.; others
might say Monday.
If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has
ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear
you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride more than five
seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in
sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right
of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road
with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-haulto the funeral home.
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