He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.

He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.

You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.