ALL THE WORLD

All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.

Boldly going where everyone's already been, but at discount rates.

Constant change is here to stay.

Couldn't afford to fix my brakes, so I made my horn louder.

Danger! Attention Span Exceeded!

Dark is faster than light, otherwise You would see it.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Do it right the first time, and maybe I'll let you do it again.

Don't move, I want to forget you just the way you are.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Five years from now, will they have a Soviet Reunion?

Heck is reserved for those who don't believe in Gosh.

I'm a Native American - I'm from Florida.

I'm getting tired, why don't YOU try being perfect for awhile?

I'm happily married - but my wife isn't.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important.

Please hold.almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had way to much to dream last night.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it ...

I serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

I stepped on a Tetanus needle today ... now what?

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I wanted to be a comedian but everyone laughed at me.

I will defend to your death your right to my opinion.

I'd talk longer, but you're not as interesting as I am.

I'm amoral, and it's been bothering my conscience.

If at first you don't succeed, don't skydive.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If it breaks, make it bigger - if it sticks out, chrome it.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

If you call me insane again, I'll eat your other eye.

If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded.

Just how many times has the Bible been translated again?

Kneel as you are in the presence of Greatness.

Let go of what you are and you might become what you could be.

Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Most people make sense. I'm not one of them.

My other car has a siren.

My other car is coming up behind you.

Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.

Punish me, I'll tell you why later.

Quantum Express - When you absolutely, positively don't know where it's going or when it needs to be there.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

Reality is a cheap substitute for Prozac.

Robin Hood was a terrorist.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Shake well before and after use.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The computer revolution is over. They won.

The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The world is coming to an end. Insert $.25 to continue.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You should hardly ever equivocate.

One nation, under God, with Liberty, large fries, and a Coke to go.

         Return to Title (Front) Page  or to select a different category of humor
          Click here  to read more jokes in this category