How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",

"Vertically challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looks stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh,

The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Second hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened,

His fur-trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,

Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo’s, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in overdue compensation.

So half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife,

Who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,

Insisting that from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the fits, why, he’d never had a notion

That making a choice could cause such a commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that’s warlike or non pacific.

No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were, like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological,

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé’;

And Nintendo would rot you entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was yet to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, of every religion.

Every ethnicity, and of every hue,

Everyone, everywhere….even you too.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth,