If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

It’s not who you know, it’s who you know had a nose job.

If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann’s.

No one looks good in a yarmulke.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

There’s nothing like a good belch.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d’oeuvre.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don’t eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult.

This usually happens at around age 45.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid

The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.