Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone.

I said, "The whole time."

So what’s the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished?

Shouldn’t they be called builts.

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don’t have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.