Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Caution: I drive like you do. 

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.