Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t give a damn.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how’d you like to go to the six  o’clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, drinking too much, driving too fast, and impulse buying. Are they kidding?

That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"