Martha Stuart Christmas

Author: Unknown
As you begin to prepare for the holiday season, keep in mind the burden that Martha bears...

December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3: using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6: FAX family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11: Lay Faberge egg.

December 12: Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13: Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters.

December 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17: Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22: Float votive candles in the toilet tank.

December 23: Seed clouds for a white Christmas.

December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger, scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31: New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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