MAMMOGRAMS

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam, and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home:

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Exercise #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable up-right position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle, for good measure.

Exercise #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

Exercise #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature of the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side.

Congratulations, now you will be properly prepared for your next mammogram. 

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