Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered: I started out with nothing; I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few. Kids in the back-seat cause accidents; accidents in the back-seat cause kids.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,
He would have put them on my knees.

When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

It’s not hard to meet expenses . They are everywhere.